alienation

I often feel alienated in this world that i live in. Like living is something that goes on around me, that other people do. When you're a kid and you look at being grown up as something almost incomprehensible, and it is so hard to ever imagine yourself being part of that fabric of life, well i've never overcome that. Life is something that goes on whilst i'm asleep , i guess. The difference with the analogy is that i want to be part of it, but i can't ever see how it could happen.
I've always been what i suppose would be termed as 'rebellious', I've never wanted to be the same as everyone else, to conform just to make things easier. This part of my character almost seems to be inate. I don't consciously try to be different but i always am. There is this wierd thing which constantly happens whereby i find something- a food item/lipstick/product that i really like , then suddenly the company stops making it. The frequency with which this occurs is ridiculous ,so much so that it has lead me to question why i always go in the other direction. That is what i mean by inate, as if it were conscious it would be incredibly inconvenient.
That is just a small example of course, but the point is that although i've never worried about , nor even wanted to be the same as everyone else, i didn't want to be this different. I guess there is always a line to draw. People who tattoo/ pierce/modify themselves in order to be truly individual would surely draw the line at inflicted disfigurement. Its down to choice of course, in having autonomy. Its the difference between women who choose to wear a burka, for example in a country where religion and politics are not one and the same, and those who are likely to be beaten for not doing so. The difference between being willingly submissive and oppressed.
But i am digressing slightly here, such is the little outlet i have. I don't like feeling alien but i don't know how to change it. Mortgages, holidays, cars,whether to buy a new fridge are the normal daily conversations that go over the top of my head. And though talking about household goods may not be something i aspire to i wish i had the choice of not joining in ,due to boredom ,as oppose to having no concept of the discussion.
There are however, some occasions where this may actually be an advantage it seems. The current economic crisis, affecting millions of people has so far passed me by. Reading about concerns about savings and pensions means nothing to me.I don't mean that i don't care but having neither of these means that it has no direct bearing on my life, at least so far. I guess the advantage of never having had anything means you don't have to worry about losing it all. There is nothing to lose.
And so in my daily attempt to always find things to be positive about, there i have it. Everything is okay as i'm already poor.

I think i'm going to become obsessed with punctuation. Who knew that commas would prove such a headache??

So this isn't going quite as well as i expected. Actually the problem is probably is that it is. Not as well as i 'hoped' would be a more appropriate description. The thing is , and probably a contributary reason to taking so long to get round to starting this in the first place, that i have a need to try and justify everything i do. On the surface that's probably not that unusual, but for me the need goes deeper.Because of my 'social state' i have an overwhelming sense of failure and shame, so when it comes to doing something i don't 'need' to do, that has no greater purpose, i feel guilty, as if i don't have the right. As such i'm not so good on relaxation. Even as i'm sitting here now i'm thinking of all the other things i ought to be doing, which is a shame because i could actually write for hours if only i could find a way of it becoming purposeful.
I had a brilliant couple of hours last week when that 'responsibility' was taken out of my hands. Unfortunatly ,it was due to the horrific infestation of evil fleas that has been plaguing my house. But in attempting to find a positive in everything ,the two hours in which i was not allowed to go back inside after the the fumigation man had been meant i had two hours in which i couldn't actually do anything. So i sat on my doorstep and read a book. And it was great. I suppose it was a bit like when you're ill (as in 'bad cold' type of illness, not major pain or disease) ,when all you can do is lie on the sofa watching crap daytime telly because you can't do anything else. Except, of course, it was only for two hours and i didn't have to stomach Jeremy Kyle in the process.

First post

So i've been thinking about this whole blogging thing for a while now but its taken some time to get over my perhaps irrational ,fear of 'sharing information about myself'. i have read and reread all the privacy information, 'is this blog truly annonymous if i wish it to be?', questioned myself (as i regularly do) as to why i care, failed to come up with an answer and finally told myself to stop thinking about it so much ,and here i am. What i haven't done is looked to see if there is a 'right' way to write a blog, i briefly clicked on the help and information page but it all started to look far too complicated.So i just ignored it. i have been toying with the title aswell. This whole privacy issue i have needs dealing with someway, so i thought, fuck it, just use every word i would hate to use to describe myself (that The Daily Mail would immediatly pounce upon should i, for whatever reason become the subject of their daily, fascinatingly objective study of human society..) Yet i the thought that every time i log onto this page there it will be, staring me in the face, just in case i had miraculously failed to pass that thought through my mind that day. So i may end up regretting this title but then again, maybe i will learn to embrace it.