alienation

I often feel alienated in this world that i live in. Like living is something that goes on around me, that other people do. When you're a kid and you look at being grown up as something almost incomprehensible, and it is so hard to ever imagine yourself being part of that fabric of life, well i've never overcome that. Life is something that goes on whilst i'm asleep , i guess. The difference with the analogy is that i want to be part of it, but i can't ever see how it could happen.
I've always been what i suppose would be termed as 'rebellious', I've never wanted to be the same as everyone else, to conform just to make things easier. This part of my character almost seems to be inate. I don't consciously try to be different but i always am. There is this wierd thing which constantly happens whereby i find something- a food item/lipstick/product that i really like , then suddenly the company stops making it. The frequency with which this occurs is ridiculous ,so much so that it has lead me to question why i always go in the other direction. That is what i mean by inate, as if it were conscious it would be incredibly inconvenient.
That is just a small example of course, but the point is that although i've never worried about , nor even wanted to be the same as everyone else, i didn't want to be this different. I guess there is always a line to draw. People who tattoo/ pierce/modify themselves in order to be truly individual would surely draw the line at inflicted disfigurement. Its down to choice of course, in having autonomy. Its the difference between women who choose to wear a burka, for example in a country where religion and politics are not one and the same, and those who are likely to be beaten for not doing so. The difference between being willingly submissive and oppressed.
But i am digressing slightly here, such is the little outlet i have. I don't like feeling alien but i don't know how to change it. Mortgages, holidays, cars,whether to buy a new fridge are the normal daily conversations that go over the top of my head. And though talking about household goods may not be something i aspire to i wish i had the choice of not joining in ,due to boredom ,as oppose to having no concept of the discussion.
There are however, some occasions where this may actually be an advantage it seems. The current economic crisis, affecting millions of people has so far passed me by. Reading about concerns about savings and pensions means nothing to me.I don't mean that i don't care but having neither of these means that it has no direct bearing on my life, at least so far. I guess the advantage of never having had anything means you don't have to worry about losing it all. There is nothing to lose.
And so in my daily attempt to always find things to be positive about, there i have it. Everything is okay as i'm already poor.