So this isn't going quite as well as i expected. Actually the problem is probably is that it is. Not as well as i 'hoped' would be a more appropriate description. The thing is , and probably a contributary reason to taking so long to get round to starting this in the first place, that i have a need to try and justify everything i do. On the surface that's probably not that unusual, but for me the need goes deeper.Because of my 'social state' i have an overwhelming sense of failure and shame, so when it comes to doing something i don't 'need' to do, that has no greater purpose, i feel guilty, as if i don't have the right. As such i'm not so good on relaxation. Even as i'm sitting here now i'm thinking of all the other things i ought to be doing, which is a shame because i could actually write for hours if only i could find a way of it becoming purposeful.
I had a brilliant couple of hours last week when that 'responsibility' was taken out of my hands. Unfortunatly ,it was due to the horrific infestation of evil fleas that has been plaguing my house. But in attempting to find a positive in everything ,the two hours in which i was not allowed to go back inside after the the fumigation man had been meant i had two hours in which i couldn't actually do anything. So i sat on my doorstep and read a book. And it was great. I suppose it was a bit like when you're ill (as in 'bad cold' type of illness, not major pain or disease) ,when all you can do is lie on the sofa watching crap daytime telly because you can't do anything else. Except, of course, it was only for two hours and i didn't have to stomach Jeremy Kyle in the process.